39. 刀仔縛 tī 槳柄

39. To-á pa̍k tī chiúⁿ-pèⁿ

"Mài loān-siūⁿ lah, lāu--ê," i tōa-siaⁿ kóng. "Chiàu chit tiâu lō͘-sòaⁿ kiâⁿ, piān-kiâⁿ piān-khòaⁿ."

M̄-koh, góa ài siūⁿ, i siūⁿ. Góa mā kan-ta chhun che niā-niā. Che hām iá-kiû. Góa m̄-chai DiMaggio lāu-tōa ē kah-ì góa tu̍h hî thâu-náu hit pō͘ bô? Che mā bô-siáⁿ, i siūⁿ. Ta̍k-ê mā ē-hiáu. M̄-koh lí sī-m̄-sī siūⁿ-kóng, góa ê chhiú thiàⁿ tō ná kut-chhì hiah hāi? Góa m̄-chai. Góa ê āu-teⁿ m̄-bat ū mô͘-pēⁿ, kan-ta ū chi̍t-kái siû-chúi ê sî ta̍h-tioh hang-á hî khì hō͘ chha̍k-tio̍h, kha-ē-chat lóng bâ--khì, thiàⁿ-kah tòng-bē-tiâu.

"Siūⁿ hoaⁿ-hí ê tāi-chì lah, lāu--ê," i kóng. "Lí lú-lâi lú óa chhù. Kiám sì-cha̍p pōng, chûn khah khin ah."

I chin chheng-chhó, chai-iáⁿ i jìn-ji̍p lāi-hái hái-lâu ê sî ē hoat-seng siáⁿ khoán tāi-chì. M̄-koh taⁿ bô siáⁿ thang chò.

"Ū, ū thang chò," i tōa-siaⁿ kóng. "Góa ē-sái kā to-á pa̍k tī chiúⁿ ê pèⁿ."

I án-ne khì chò, kā tōa-pèⁿ (tiller) gia̍p tī koeh-lang-kha, chûn-phâng iōng kha ta̍h leh.

"Lí khòaⁿ," i kóng. "Góa iáu sī lāu lâng. M̄-koh góa m̄-sī bô bú-khì."

Hái-hong kè-sio̍k chhoe leh, chûn kiâⁿ-liáu chin sūn. I kan-ta khòaⁿ hî ê thâu-chat, koh seⁿ-chhut hi-bōng.

Bô hi-bōng sī gōng, i siūⁿ. Jî-chhiáⁿ góa jīm-ûi he sī chōe-kò. Mài siūⁿ chōe-kò ê tāi-chì, i siūⁿ. Bô chōe-kò tō ū-kàu hoân ah. Jî-chhiáⁿ góa tùi he mā bô liáu-kái.

Góa tùi chōe-kò bô liáu-kái, góa mā ká-ná bô sìn he. Hoān-sè thâi chit bóe hî sī chōe-kò. Góa siūⁿ sī, sui-bóng góa sī ūi-tio̍h ka-tī ê oa̍h-miā kap chin-chē lâng ê saⁿ-tǹg. Nā án-ne, sū-sū lóng sī chōe-kò. Mài siūⁿ chōe-kò lah. Taⁿ chiah siūⁿ bē-hù ah lah, mā ū lâng niá-sin-súi choan-bûn teh siūⁿ che neh. Hō͘ in khì siūⁿ tō hó ah. Lí chù-tiāⁿ sī thó-hái-lâng, tō ná hî seⁿ--lâi tō sī hî. San Pedro [Iâ-so͘ ê chi̍t-ê bûn-tô͘] tō sī thó-hái-lâng, DiMaggio in lāu-pē mā sī.

M̄-koh i ài siūⁿ kap i ū khan-sia̍p ê ta̍k hāng mi̍h-kiāⁿ, chia bô siáⁿ thang tha̍k, mā bô lajíoh, i tō siūⁿ chin chē, koh kè-sio̍k siūⁿ chōe-kò. Lí thâi hit bóe hî, m̄-nā ūi tio̍h oa̍h-miā kap bē lâng chia̍h, i siūⁿ. Lí ūi tio̍h chun-giâm chiah thâi i, in-ūi lí sī thó-hái-lâng. I iáu oa̍h ê sî, lí ài i, sí liáu, lí mā ài i. Lí nā tùi i ū ài, thâi i tō m̄-sī chōe-kò. A̍h-sī koh-khah chōe-kò?

"Lí siūⁿ siuⁿ chē lah, lāu--ê," i tōa-siaⁿ kóng.

M̄-koh lí chin hiáng-siū thâi ian-á-soa, i siūⁿ. Ná-chhiūⁿ lí, i mā khò chia̍h oa̍h-hî oa̍h-miā. I bô chhiūⁿ ū-ê soa-hî ài chia̍h sí-hî chhàu-bah. I súi-khùi koh ko-kùi, siáⁿ lóng m̄-kiaⁿ.

"Góa sī chū-ūi chiah thâi i," lāu lâng tōa-siaⁿ kóng. "Góa thâi i tú-hó."

Hô-hóng, i siūⁿ, chi̍t-bu̍t khek chi̍t-bu̍t. Thó-hái hō͘ góa oa̍h-miā mā hāi sí góa. Gín-á hō͘ góa oa̍h, i siūⁿ. Góa m̄-thang koh phiàn ka-tī lah.

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39 刀仔縛 tī 槳柄

"莫亂想 lah, 老 ê," 伊大聲講. "照這條路線行, 便行便看."

毋過, 我愛想, 伊想. 我 mā 干焦賰這 niā-niā. 這和野球. 我毋知 DiMaggio 老大會佮意我 tu̍h 魚頭腦彼步無? 這 mā 無啥, 伊想. 逐个 mā 會曉. 毋過你是毋是想講, 我 ê 手疼 tō ná 骨刺 hiah 害? 我毋知. 我 ê 後蹬 m̄-bat 有毛病, 干焦有一改泅水 ê 時踏著魴仔魚去予鑿著, 跤下節攏麻去, 疼甲擋袂牢.

"想歡喜 ê 代誌 lah, 老 ê," 伊講. "你愈來愈倚厝. 減四十磅, 船較輕 ah."

伊真清楚, 知影伊進入內海海流 ê 時會發生啥款代誌. 毋過今無啥通做.

"有, 有通做," 伊大聲講. "我會使 kā 刀仔縛 tī 槳 ê 柄."

伊 án-ne 去做, kā 舵柄 (tiller) gia̍p tī koeh-lang-kha, 船帆用跤踏 leh.

"你看," 伊講. "我猶是老人. 毋過我毋是無武器."

海風繼續吹 leh, 船行了真順. 伊干焦看魚 ê 頭節, koh 生出希望.

無希望是戇, 伊想. 而且我認為彼是罪過. 莫想罪過 ê 代誌, 伊想. 無罪過 tō 有夠煩 ah. 而且我對彼 mā 無了解.

我對罪過無了解, 我 mā 敢若無信彼. 凡勢刣這尾魚是罪過. 我想是, 雖罔我是為著家己 ê 活命 kap 真濟人 ê 三頓. 若 án-ne, 事事攏是罪過. 莫想罪過 lah. 今才想袂赴 ah lah, mā 有人領薪水專門 teh 想這 neh. 予 in 去想 tō 好 ah. 你註定是討海人, tō ná 魚生來 tō 是魚. San Pedro [Iâ-so͘ ê 一个門徒] tō 是討海人, DiMaggio in老爸 mā 是.

毋過伊愛想 kap 伊有牽涉 ê 逐項物件, 遮無啥通讀, mā 無 lajíoh, 伊 tō 想真濟, koh 繼續想罪過. 你刣彼尾魚, m̄-nā 為著活命 kap 賣人食, 伊想. 你為著尊嚴才刣伊, 因為你是討海人. 伊猶活 ê 時, 你愛伊, 死了, 你 mā 愛伊. 你若對伊有愛, 刣伊 tō 毋是罪過. 抑是閣較罪過?

"你想 siuⁿ 濟 lah, 老 ê," 伊大聲講.

毋過你真享受刣煙仔鯊, 伊想. Ná 像你, 伊 mā 靠食活魚活命. 伊無像有 ê 鯊魚愛食死魚臭肉. 伊媠氣 koh 高貴, 啥攏毋驚.

"我是自衛才刣伊," 老人大聲講. "我刣伊拄好."

何況, 伊想, 一物克一物. 討海予我活命 mā 害死我. 囡仔予我活, 伊想. 我毋通 koh 騙家己 lah.

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39.

“Don’t think, old man,” he said aloud. “Sail on this course and take it when it comes."

But I must think, he thought. Because it is all I have left. That and baseball. I wonder how the great DiMaggio would have liked the way I hit him in the brain? It was no great thing, he thought. Any man could do it. But do you think my hands were as great a handicap as the bone spurs? I cannot know. I never had anything wrong with my heel except the time the sting ray stung it when I stepped on him when swimming and paralyzed the lower leg and made the unbearable pain.

“Think about something cheerful, old man,” he said. “Every minute now you are closer to home. You sail lighter for the loss of forty pounds.”

He knew quite well the pattern of what could happen when he reached the inner part of the current. But there was nothing to be done now.

“Yes there is,” he said aloud. “I can lash my knife to the butt of one of the oars.”

So he did that with the tiller under his arm and the sheet of the sail under his foot.

“Now,” he said. “I am still an old man. But I am not unarmed.”

The breeze was fresh now and he sailed on well. He watched only the forward part of the fish and some of his hope returned.

It is silly not to hope, he thought. Besides I believe it is a sin. Do not think about sin, he thought. There are enough problems now without sin. Also I have no understanding of it.

I have no understanding of it and I am not sure that I believe in it. Perhaps it was a sin to kill the fish. I suppose it was even though I did it to keep me alive and feed many people. But then everything is a sin. Do not think about sin. It is much too late for that and there are people who are paid to do it. Let them think about it. You were born to be a fisherman as the fish was born to be a fish. San Pedro was a fisherman as was the father of the great DiMaggio.

But he liked to think about all things that he was involved in and since there was nothing to read and he did not have a radio, he thought much and he kept on thinking about sin. You did not kill the fish only to keep alive and to sell for food, he thought. You killed him for pride and because you are a fisherman. You loved him when he was alive and you loved him after. If you love him, it is not a sin to kill him. Or is it more?

“You think too much, old man,” he said aloud.

But you enjoyed killing the dentuso, he thought. He lives on the live fish as you do. He is not a scavenger nor just a moving appetite as some sharks are. He is beautiful and noble and knows no fear of anything.

“I killed him in self-defense,” the old man said aloud. “And I killed him well.”

Besides, he thought, everything kills everything else in some way. Fishing kills me exactly as it keeps me alive. The boy keeps me alive, he thought. I must not deceive myself too much.

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